Sunday, May 31, 2009

Upswings and Downswings

Sometimes poker and life can be so hand it in hand it is ridiculous. You run hot and you are on a ridiculous upswing and you never felt better. Then, you have a -50 BI downswing and everything sucks and you feel like crap but you try to play it off and play on and know you can't afford to tilt. Well I feel the exact same way about my life right now. The reason I didn't update this blog for a while because I was kind of stuck about what to and not to write on this. I guess it does kind of weird me out to know that if I put myself out there on this blog that strangers and close people that I know I might read it. I have always been ridiculously private with my feelings. I rarely let anyone know how I am feeling or what is going on because I feel like it is an issue more about me so why does anyone else need to know. I am going to try to start writing about my life and feelings more on this thing because I thought my blog was getting lame. Yeah I won this day, I lost this way, I am getting better. Whatever its all fine and dandy but it comes to a point where you think there is more to it. That's what I am going to try to accomplish more with this blog. That's why I really respect the blogs of TheLipoFund, when he updated it, and Assassinato because they don't care they put it all out there. Well, I don't know if I can go from an extreme left to an extreme right but I am going to start taking baby steps in the next direction.

Sometimes, it just feels like I am smiling on the outside and just really dying on the inside. I stay to myself, don't really talk to my family like I should, because I am an idiot obv, and try to live life like I loner. I have been away from my family for song its ridiculous. I wanted to go to school in Tallahassee to not only get a different culture experience at an Historically Black College, but I also wanted to get out of the house. All I knew was that house and my parents rules and I just couldn't wait to get out. Yeah I loved my family but sometimes I hated the way that they had so much control of my life. I mean I don't want to make my parents sound bad because I love them but sometimes I feel that I wasn't allowed to do what I really wanted to do when I wanted to do which led me to wild out pretty hard in school. That first taste of freedom that I actually experienced when I first got to college was probably like a continuous cocaine high. I have never done it but that is the way people describe. I was just so free and could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and there was nothing that anyone could do about it. With that type of mentality, comes some parts in your life when you are going to learn life lessons. I feel like I learned so much in school about myself and life its ridiculous. It probably has shaped me and made into the person that I am today.

After, I graduated I accepted a job offer in Seattle,WA of course I could never move back home. It just felt like I got to the point of my life where I can't live with them anymore and just have to be out of my own. I know it probably perplexes them when I don't call like I should but sometimes I just like that feeling I get knowing that I am just out alone my own man trying to do me. Recently, I have been questioning a lot of things in my life and making me realize how important my family should be to me. Nothing bad has happened or anything but I just know deep down how important they are and should be to me. When everyone else lets you down they are the ones that you can talk to. During this time period I also have been trying to figure out what in life is going to truly make me happy. I would be telling you a lie straight to your face if I told you I was happy going to work from 6:00am-2:30pm every freaking day. Yeah, its good to have a job in this economy, the job is fine, and there are things I can learn but ultimately I know that's not me. I absolutely hate structure sometimes and would rather be on MY schedule that a 6:00am-2:30pm schedule. That's why I even started playing poker in the first place. I mean I know I need a back up plan because obv I am not good enough to just play poker but its such a dream of mine. I don't want to have to wake up everyday having to go to work at the same time. I would much rather do what I want to do when I want to do it. I will put my heart into work because it is a means to an end and I need that job for stable money. But, my heart is so much into the game of poker. Sidebar my parents/family are going to think I am NUTS if/when they read this. But anyways I would be perfectly fine waking up doing something I absolutely love to do everyday and making my own money than waking up 6:00am-2:30pm making someone else money. I guess I just have that hustlers/entrepreneur spirit. I always that my boy Pat in college for crazy talking about a job working for someone else is not him but hey Pat I feel where you are coming from. Ultimately I just have to grow as a person, keep networking, get this graduate degree, and play poker. That is going to be my game plan. Hopefully by the time I get that graduate degree I have so much freaking money saved up so I can just take some time and figure out my next move. Ultimately, that feels like it is going to take forever because grad school classes keep getting delayed. This is like the fourth or fifth time that it has been delayed and it is driving me crazy. I would be more frustrated if I was lazy and it was something I did but hey I am in the program just waiting to start.

Poker has been so mind wrecking it is ridiculous. April was such a freaking smooth month and everything was perfect. 776 games played 27% ROI $2,275. I never had any type of rough patches of everything. Now lets look at the stats for May. 896 games played -2% ROI -$447. This month was so trying because I never felt like I was gaining any type of traction. It is so frustrated to absolutely be killing the $6.50's and getting killed in the $12's. They are not that much harder and I believe I have a pretty good edge in these games. When going through last month I just started to think why people they are grinding when they are playing online. The truth of the matter the game is such a grind it is ridiculous but I love it. You have to love doing something if you are sitting there playing in front of a computer for 4-5 hrs and you are losing money. Sometimes I feel like an idiot after the session but I know deep down inside it is what I love. I feel like my game is on point for the most part though. Been doing some more review over my hands and posting hands but going to try to get better with that. Meeting people like Assassinato and his boys his boy he introduced me to sexuelity really taught me that. You get out of poker what you put in. If you don't put in the work or the time to play you are not going to get better point blank. This is why I am going to try to work harder than I have ever before. This month I was very proud of myself for putting in the volume despite it being a losing month. To some people they may sit back and laugh when I say volume but it was the most amount of games I have ever played in a month. I honestly think that I could of actually hit the 1k games played mark next month when I put in the time. I know I will run better and I know that I will keep analyzing spots to help me get better. I also finally got HEM after everyone cracked on me for being nitty and not buy int. It is definitely a good purchase and I am interested to see how well I do with it next month. Especially, when I try to start transitioning to cash which will probably happen after I am done with my current deal at SNGMentors but who knows. Well I might as well list my goals for next month.

-1k games played
-20-25% ROI
-Study @ least 8 hrs a week

It's going to be hard for me to track the last goal of studying 8 hrs a week but I will figure it out. Whether it be reviewing my hh's, looking at other peoples, or running stuff through SNGWiz myself. I know this post was super long but hey that's what happens when you don't update your blog in a month. Here is to running well in the second half of the year because I need to start stacking cheese to make some believers out of people :-p.

P.S I love and miss all my family a lot especially my Joi Joi :-)